On bottle feeding: Our breastfeeding story

At trader joes yesterday little man and I chatted with the sweet check out lady who shared stories of her two rambunctious boys and she recommended to me her many reasons of why she had them 17 months apart.  But, all I heard? "and you're already so very used to nursing" and the blood rushed to my face and I had to pretend I wasn't about to cry or that I heard the rest of what she had said.  It's incredibly hard to share this, but I need to.  I need some peace and writing out the good and the bad is part of being the authentic person I aim to be.

I've dreamed of having a baby for as long as I could remember.  For many years I imagined a future child as I lay in bed, it was always my favorite thought to think of before closing my eyes for the night.  Part of that dream always  involved nursing my little one.  Perhaps peacefully in the quiet of the night in his perfect nursery in our beautiful custom rocker.  My mother breastfed me, all my friends breastfed, I couldn't wait.  It seemed so beautiful, right, and natural.  I read a bit about it, I observed my sweet friend who had a baby three months before me (perfect timing I thought!  She can give me the inside scoop).

But beyond that I was not at all prepared, woefully so.  I should of read more, I should of understood the challenges,  but I didn't.  So fast forward to August 26th 2015 and our little man is welcomed into the world after 17 hours of labor (which I enjoyed!  Didn't expect that).  After 5 minutes of skin to skin he was whisked off to the Nicu for monitoring... Hmm that wasn't part of the plan at all.  Nor was the fact that he was kept there much longer than needed preventing us from trying nursing the first 6 hours.  When he was finally back in our room and we tried it didn't go well, he fought my breast every time we tried.  I was showed different holds but after a few minutes was essentially left to my own devices.  We were discharged the following day and things didn't go better at home, the next day at the pediatricians office we learned his weight has dropped 8.5%.  My milk wasn't even in! Luckily a kind friend offered me some of her frozen stash.  That night I offered it to him in a sirenge to avoid nipple confusion--he gobbled it up and slept much better.  But after two more days of craziness at the breast I offered him a bottle and sobbed the entire time.  He loved it, it was an incredibly bittersweet moment offering a bottle to my three day old son  I wasn't even sure if I would give him a bottle at all before he was born.

I also finally pumped on Saturday when I felt engorged.  Joy filled me when I saw that first ounce.  He gobbled it up right away.  Life then became about pumping and feeding.  My lactation consultant wanted me to focus on pumping and hoped that maybe he would be able to latch when he got a little bigger.  The trouble was most days I couldn't keep up, a second friend brought me milk, I was grateful and sad at the same time.  He was eating a lot, sometimes 35 ounces in a day.  I was taking all the supplements in the world, pumping as often as I could (never as often as he ate though).  And still, a good day I got 12 ounces.  Then, as the weeks went on, my nipples began to hurt more and more.  Nothing could touch them, the shower would make me scream.  Finally right around 5 weeks as I felt tears about to turn on my pump I asked my lactation consultant to come assess.  She diagnosed me with Raynaud's phenomenon of the nipple.  This wasn't going to get better, it would get worse.  My heart broke.  The next few days I was barely getting any milk, it was as if my body had just given up.  We stopped right at 5 weeks and I couldn't of been more sad.  I was grateful to be free of the pump but heart broken to have missed out on this wonderful bonding experience and ability to nourish my child with only my body.

And it still hurts.  A lot.  Every morning I mix up my honest company organic formula and prepare bottles.  Every night I feel sad that I have to wait to warm up a bottle to feed my little man.  It hurts and frustrates me.  But through it all he has thrived.  He has gained weight like a champ, has doubled in size since birth, and is honestly a joyful little guy!  He has occasional hard days but mostly he spends his wake time smiling or sticking out his little tongue or telling us his many thoughts.  He soothes himself to sleep 90% of the time, loves to be in my wrap, and generally makes my life infinently wonderful.  He is perfect and healthy and I am so blessed.  I'm not sure I'll ever fully understand the mess that happened with our breastfeeding journey.  It was far too short, but I know in time it won't be quite as painful to remember.  I am learning as a mama that not all parts of our story go the way you want them to.  Motherhood is beautiful but oh so messy and full of surprising twists and turns.

Someday William, I hope you read what I write to you hear and know how hard I try, and how deeply you are loved... and to wrap this up, my dear one:  a few lines from our favorite book:

I wanted you more

than you ever will know

so I sent love to follow

wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.

You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...

climb up to the sky!

My love will find you.

My love can fly!

And if someday you're lonely, 

or someday you're sad, 

or you strike out at baseball, 

or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

-nancy tillman (wherever you go my love will follow)

Be still my beating heart...

On Mommyhood

This little man is ten weeks old, and feels like high time to write down some of my thoughts on life with him thus far!  I hope to do a better job of writing about our little family in the coming weeks and months.  Somehow my day's end so quickly and not much is accomplished but I know I want to remember everything I can about these early years!

(Smile shots always end up blurry!!)

(he loves sticking his tongue out these days!!)

It's difficult figuring out the words to accurately describe motherhood.  Its so much more incredible than I ever possibly imagined (at the same time, harder!).  When I was pregnant I was pretty confident in how I would handle a baby of my own, after all, I was a nanny to infants with years of experience.  I spent most of my pregnancy in a blissful daze, having a baby was something I had dreamt of my entire life.  The one thing I have always known is that being a mom was the job I have wanted most.  Everything else was just something to occupy me until it was time for this stage of my life.  Most days I still cant believe it, I am in utter awe of these sweet little boy that Michael and I created, who grew inside of my body for nine months.  How incredible and empowering giving birth is, how in awe I am of my body and what God created me to do.

Each week with our perfect, beautiful son has been more and more wonderful.  I go to sleep looking forward to the next time I get to see him (sometimes six hours later and sometimes less...).  During the day when he naps I often miss him and prefer to let him snooze in the room with me rather than upstairs in his crib.  I knew he would sleep in the room with us at first, and until he is sleeping through the night I have no plans to move him to his crib.  Falling asleep hearing his sweet little sleepy sighs is the greatest thing, its wonderful.  He has begun to really wake up and interact with us, recognizing me, his daddy, and his grandparents and giving smiles and coos to greet his favorite people!  Seeing Michael with him, mesmerized and in such love melts my heart.  It's getting harder and harder for him to be away during the day, he wants a million photos and videos and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to be home with my sweet little one.  It's incredible that I can love him even more today than I did the moment he was laid on my chest, giving birth literally felt like part of my soul was suddenly outside of my body.

I've certainly surprised myself in some ways by how I feel about things and how I am choosing to parent.  I had planned on sleep training and had read some books during pregnancy and had experience with that with the little ones I had nannied.  However, I fed on demand as instructed and it felt natural and made the most sense to us to do our very best to keep him happy and satiated.  Re-reading the books post birth made me upset... I couldn't imagine letting William cry alone in his room.  I knew I couldn't do that.  A friend of ours had us over for dinner and revealed her two week old was already on a schedule of eating every three hours, I couldn't believe it and felt like a bad mom for a while after hearing that.  But, after doing lots of research as I am often inclined to do I realized none of that is necessary.  Some people absolutely need a schedule to function and be a good parent and thats okay!  (crying it out however is absolutely not, and using that to get your baby to sleep doesn't "train" but rather shuts down their nervous system to prevent death) but for me, our days are flexible but shaping into consistency all on William's own terms.  He wakes between 7-8 and can go 2.5 to three hours between bottles from then on.  It's amazing how self-conscious I felt about this!  My advice to anyone with a baby would be to always remember that YOU are the expert on your child.  

In the end I am not surprised at all that attachment parenting is 100% for me.  After all, Michael and I both have degrees in psychology and fully believe in gentle parenting as opposed to older styles that we experienced.  Attachment theory isn't knew and is very fascinating to me, developed in the 1960's by John Bowbly and Mary Ainsworth and defined as "a lasting psychological connectedness between human beings... a deep and enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space".  Attachment is characterized by behaviors in a child such as seeking proximity with the attachment figure when upset or threatened.  I think this definition is pretty incredible and makes motherhood a pretty amazing and incredible responsibility!  Securely attached children go on to be very confident and actually very independent!  So after refreshing myself on this I realized that my instincts as a mother outweigh the opinions of anyone else.   So for me, I want this little man to be with me every second he can be.  I want to wear him until he's 18, and I'm very okay with that.  I just wanted to write down my thoughts on this, and please know I also do my best not to judge anyone because I know we are all doing the best we can.

The birth of our son William

 

Dear neglected blog, I got lazy with the last couple of bump dates and will include my final three bump shots now before I jot down the story that changed our lives.

It's already crazy to look at these photos almost a month out!  Time feels like it has flown.  

At 10am on August 25th I was laying in bed and felt a bit of a trickle "down there" I honestly thought I might be peeing (because pregnancy gets you to that point my friends...) so I stood up to go to the restroom and a HUGE gush came it that was unmistakable.  It was a surprising amount of fluid!  In utter shock I quickly called my husband to let him know that my water had broken and he stuttered he would be home right away.  I then got dressed, fixed my hair, and applied a bit of makeup I was excited but almost in disbelief!  I had always suspected William might come early (and let's be honest I was hoping too) but I was only 38 weeks 1 day!  Michael arrived home soon after and we finished some last minute packing and headed to the hospital once my midwife said to go ahead and go straight there.  I was strep B positive, so they wanted to start me on antibiotics ASAP.  We arrived and were shuffled to triage where my midwife checked to make sure it was amniotic fluid.  This hurt quite a bit!  She also confirmed that I was now 2cm when the day before at my 38 week appt  I was 0! (side note: I may not get the checks next time, it stressed me out not changing from week to week) Soon after I was admitted I was allowed to labor naturally for about 5 hours since my contractions weren't very strong and they didn't want me to go past the 24 hour mark due to my water breaking.

At 4:30pm I was started on pitocin after spending the last few hours walking and bouncing on the labor ball.  My mom, dad, and mother in law had come to the hospital but I had to kick them out soon after, things were beginning to hurt!

I labored that way for a while, and by the time I was screaming into Michaels chest every contraction, I knew it was time to ask for an epi.  I was only 3cm at that point but knew I needed it.  It was a wonderful epi, I could feel my legs and move them a bit but no pain!  Thank goodness for Michael, it wasn't easy to be still for that.  After I received it we both tried to rest for a while and I wasn't checked again until 2:30am.  By that point I was feeling a lot of pressure and honestly felt like I needed to push which surprised me!  When my midwife went to check me she laughed "well, there's his head!  Are you ready to have a baby?!"  My husband was amazed, he thought he'd be getting more sleep!

(resting up between contractions)

 (The view from our room)

I started pushing at 2:45 and William baker Mazhari arrived at 3:19am!  It was just me, Michael, the labor nurse and my midwife--it was perfect.  I could feel my contractions, and I could feel him coming out!  He was placed on my chest and my entire universe changed in a single moment.  I sobbed for joy it was indescribable.  A few minutes later we realized he was grunting more than crying and not pinking up super well.  A few minutes later he was taken to the warming bed and my tears quickly changed to fear.  After what seemed like an eternity he was whisked to the Nicu for extra monitoring.  I've never felt such fear in my life.  Thankfully soon after Michael went down and could see he was fine.  Once my epi wore off enough I was wheeled down and once I held him my heart began to beat again!  We spent about an hour down with him before shift change and he was brought back up a few hours later.  Thankfully all he needed was a little bit of cpap and was monitored.  No oxygen and all was well, just a bit of fluid he needed help getting out praise he lord!

(on his warming bed in the nicu)

35 Weeks Bumpdate

 

How Far Along? 35 Weeks

Size of Baby: A coconut, 18-20 inches long and roughly 6 lbs.

Gender: William Baker Mazhari!

Weight Gain:  Holding steady around 35 pounds for now.

Maternity Clothes:  Yes, and getting tired of it!  I miss the feeling of clothing being loose rather than straining to fit.  The remaining pieces that fit are on heavy rotation and I feel like I'm always doing laundry.

Nursery:  Honestly almost done!  This weekend Michael's uncle who owns an incredibly upholstery company delivered our gorgeous, custom built rocker chair.  It is quite literally perfect, and set to fit me perfectly!  The room feels so complete now, and I love sitting in there and thinking of William.  As soon as decor is completed I will share some photos of the room.  It is thrilling to be at this point in our pregnancy.

Movement:  All the time!  I love how it changes too.  It's more like a full sized baby just shifting around then the kicks and punches I used to feel.  Michael loves to watch my belly or come and identify body parts!  I know William must be running out of room in there.

Symptoms:  Heartburn and acid reflux, though this weekend I went for my first chiropractic adjustment and he prescribed a couple of natural supplements that seem to be helping.  He also popped my lower back and FINALLY relieved that pain and pressure and now I am walking mostly like a normal person!  Such a relief, I was in a LOT of pain last week and in general I try to avoid all medication that I can so natural relief is my preference.

Belly Button in or out?  Halfway out... it looks very weird right now.  Coupled with my linea nigra my tummy is just lovely these days.

Wedding Rings on or off?  Off... temporary band is getting snug too... I'm trying to find it humorous...

Sleep: Falling asleep relatively well, and heartburn seems to be not as horrendous at night if I remain elevated.  Hate the minimum of two potty breaks though.

Cravings: French TOAST!  This past week I actually began to cry hysterically because I wanted french toast so very badly...

What I Miss:  Getting out of bed easily, rolling over easily, getting into cars easily... Essentially just ease of movement!

Best Moment This Week: The arrival of our rocker in Williams nursery.  It made it so very real that soon I'll have a sweet little boy in my arms to rock to sleep

Looking forward to: At this point I honestly cannot wait for labor!  It's just so exciting knowing that we are just a few short weeks away from meeting this little guy.  Within the next month an ordinary day is going to become very special--his birthday!  I'll be planning birthday parties someday in celebration of this day... a day I don't even know of yet!  There's just something really special about that thought.

33-34 Weeks Bumpdate

The last two weeks have been pretty jam packed in the best way possible.  We had our baby shower on July 18th, thrown by our best friends and it couldn't of been more perfect!  All the details were so incredibly thoughtful and adorable.  Michael especially adored the diaper golf bag!  William now officially has his first clubs.  Our friends truly overwhelmed us with their generosity and we received most everything we needed for our little man.  It's pretty amazing to see his room and closet so filled up now.

{A few of the adorable shower details}

{Such an incredibly fun time!}

William and I also had a grand time babysitting miss Madison, his future girlfriend, and testing out his room!  It was so much fun to enjoy having a baby in our house, and I loved getting to spend some quality time with this wonderful little one.  She is such a dream, and I certainly hope we have as happy of a baby as Lauren and Evan have been blessed with!  I cannot wait to see her and William together, I have a feeling she'll have him wrapped around her little finger in no time.

We've also enjoy a lot of family time together, staying cool at my in laws awesome saltwater pool, touring the hospital {!!!}, attending our prepared childbirth classes, and enjoying yummy dinners out together.  We are doing our best to soak up the last few weeks as just the two of us (or three really counting our fur baby).  We've also been getting William's room ready to go and I'm excited to say it's almost done!  This past weekend we finally hung some truly lovely curtains, and they add so much to the space.  We splurged at pottery barn kids on them, but they darken the room SO well, and we love the pattern.  Truth be told, Michael picked them and I wasn't sure about adding a pattern, but they look awesome and I will share photos of the room very soon!

How Far Along? 34 weeks and 2 days (just to be exact)

Size of Baby: A butternut squash, 20 inches long and as of yesterdays scan, 5 lbs 4oz!

Gender: William Baker Mazhari!

Weight Gain:  Holding steady around 35 pounds for now.

Maternity Clothes: Haha.  This morning I threw a top on without really paying attention on my way out the door to work only to realize that a slice of belly was showing.  This is a maternity shirt I should mention... I just continue to pack away what no longer fits and my selection shrinks but I don't care all that much.  The end is in sight and I can't wait to fit into my normal clothes again!

Nursery:  Picking up our rocker this weekend and hanging artwork!  His closet and dresser are all organized and ready to go, and my diaper bag is packed for him for the hospital!

Movement:  Constantly, and at times it can be a bit uncomfortable!  Last night during our childbirth class michael was fascinated by my extremely lopsided belly since Wills was sticking out his butt on the right side and wiggling it.  He started pressing on him and Wills would push back!  I love feeling his little foot sticking out as well.  he has such a little personality.

Symptoms:  Heartburn, lower back pain, walking slowly, extremely emotional... this week I cried because I wanted french toast.  I wish I was joking about this.  Michael takes it in stride and seems to find it enduring.  I feel like I am losing my mind.

Belly Button in or out?  Kind of beginning to stick out?  It feels so strange!

Wedding Rings on or off?  Off... temporary plain band is helping me avoid feeling like an unwed mother and is kind of refreshing as I don't need to really worry about it too much!

Sleep: Whats that?  Just kidding...kind of.  I wake up 2+ times a night now and usually awake with intense pelvic pain.

Cravings:  Fresh peaches, peach milkshakes, chocolate chip cookies, french toast... all the healthy things clearly.

What I Miss:  Being a cute little pregnant person.  I miss the "awww you look so cute!" comments that have been replaced with "gosh, how much longer do you have?" or "I know you are SO ready!"

Best Moment This Week: I really enjoyed our hospital tour.  It made it so real, and gave me butterflies to think that next time we will be there will be to meet William!

Looking forward to: Picking up our rocker this weekend and visiting with Michaels uncles who made it (they own an upholstery company). 

8 Months Pregnant!!

{30 Weeks}

{31 Weeks}

{Over the 4th of July weekend in Wilmington}

How Far Along? 32 weeks (he could be here in 8 weeks or LESS!!)

Size of Baby: A Squash, 17 inches and since he is big I am estimating 4 pounds.

Gender: William Baker Mazhari!

Weight Gain:  A whopping 35 pounds...

Maternity Clothes: All the time.  I'm getting tired of growing out of maternity clothes actually!  I retired two more dresses this weekend and a few tanks and my options are pretty limited at this point.  Thankfully however, after trying on probably 30 dresses I finally found the ONE for our baby shower this weekend!

Nursery:  Almost done!  We have the crib, the changing table (which has been organized and filled with the essentials) the dresser (also organized) and the rug.  Just awaiting our rocker, need to get black out curtains and a few more art items.

Movement:  All day every day!  I love feeling his little feet sticking out my right side.  Sometimes he wakes me up with all his wiggles but I don't mind, I love knowing he's doing well.

Symptoms:  Definitely feeling some swelling, and I have mastered the preggo waddle at this point.  Heartburn continues!

Belly Button in or out?  At this point it's pretty much flat.

Wedding Rings on or off?  Off... so sad about this.  With 8 weeks left to go I didn't want to look like an unwed mother and found a simple little band to get me through the next few months.  I'll be missing my sparklers but my fingers are literally a full size bigger and I was getting terrified of them being cut off.

Sleep: Not great.  Pregnancy insomnia has set in.  I miss feeling well rested.

Cravings:  Sugar cookies and milk.

What I Miss:  I definitely miss wine.  While I will on occasion allow myself a half glass with dinner, it's not at all the same as relaxing with friends over drinks.  It can be tough to socialize with friends and everyone is loosening up and enjoying wine and all I get to enjoy are a few sips... But it's worth it and I'm in the home stretch! 

Best Moment This Week:  The last few weeks have been wonderful!   Wilmington was great over the 4th of July and we had our family shower!  So much fun!

Looking Forward To: Our baby shower this weekend!  I am so excited to celebrate William with family and friends.  I'm also so thankful to dear friends for making this party a possibility.  We can't wait!!  Other than that I am constantly day dreaming about our little boy!  Hoping the next two months FLY!

29 Weeks Bumpdate

 Now that I'm officially in the third trimester it's hard to believe how soon our son will be here.  Amidst pregnancy discomfort and anxiety I find myself so overwhelmingly excited I get butterfies.  Sometimes it's the smallest things, seeing a woman babywearing a little one and thinking I get to do that soon!  Or seeing a little boy playing.  Whatever it is, every day I am reminded of how blessed I am.  This is the greatest gift I can ever imagine, I get to participate in God's creation of life, it is miraculous and incredible and I can't believe this girl with the huge baby bump in the mirror is me.

How Far Along? 29 weeks

Size of Baby: A cabbage, 17 inches and since he is big I am estimating 3.5 pounds.

Gender:  A dapper young man!  William Baker Mazhari!

Weight Gain:  A whopping 30 pounds...

Maternity Clothes: All the time.  Really thankful that my mom and grandma decided to do some damage at gap and target to send me some third trimester outfits and two cute dresses.  I especially appreciate the under the bump style shorts they picked up at target.  The over the bump band can be pretty uncomfy when it hits 100 degrees.  It's all about comfort these days and sizing up for some extra room.

Nursery: Michael retouched the paint, we have the crib, dresser, and changing table.  Have been trying out different baskets for the changing table and are working on the decor!  Can't wait for our glider to arrive hopefully in July.

Movement:  Tons!  I did my first kick count the other day and had to laugh... it took less than 5 minutes to count 10 kicks.  I've even managed to video tape the crazy whole belly moving!  He also appears to be head down since I do feel some rib pain at times.

Symptoms: Just constantly feeling pregnant now.  Simple tasks are more challenging, I am always taking trips to the bathroom, my energy level isn't as high, and of course the heartburn.  Braxton hicks normally a few times a day.

Belly Button in or out?  At this point it's pretty much flat.

Wedding Rings on or off?  On, but when I get really hot I need to pry them off.

Sleep: Definitely in the third trimester now... sleep is hit or miss.  Waking up every night at least once and sometimes it's hard to fall back asleep. 

Cravings:  Pimento cheese and crackers, trader joes almond biscotti, grilled asparagus.

What I Miss:  A nice glass of pinot noir or rose... the ease of a deli sandwich.

Best Moment This Week:  I loved celebrating fathers day this year with my baby daddy!  William surprised Michael with his first fathers day gift and it was so cute seeing how excited he was.  We then enjoyed a wonderful church service and lunch and pool time at my in laws.  We all had a really wonderful day together.

Looking Forward To: Can't wait for the 4th of July spent in Wilmington with Michael's family, and our baby shower is fast approaching and I can't stop thinking about it!!